Why.. I Want To Adopt..

I won't deny that part of the motivation for a lot of the decisions I've made have been because of my mother. How I watched her treat her own children - at best with indifference, or like a chore and at worst with neglect and abuse. When close friends around me were unable to naturally have children of their own, she was blessed with 5 of her own which she continually abandoned and only one of which now has anything to do with her.

A lot of my "success" in life, is based on a continual striving to not turn out anything like her. To not make the same mistakes or choices. My mother used to be a stunner. Great body, skin, a size 8 even after 3 children and she dressed like a slapper. I used to hate being out with her and I only ever took a friend home once. As a result.. When I was 17/18 I was skinny, pretty with lovely skin, great legs.. and I dressed like a Conservative Party MP. Long skirts and polo-necks. I still squirm at the thought of wearing a skirt too short or top too low and I don't believe anyone has ever seen my midriff! :-) A small thing in the grand scheme but I've always known that a lot of my actions are directly related to her and this is no different.

My desire to have a child has always been there. My desire to adopt has risen through first hand experience of what it means to a child when they don't feel the love every child should get to feel.

When my brother committed suicide, I blamed her. I blamed P. I blamed the system. I blamed myself. At 17.. he was so alone and desperate that he felt there was only one way out. He hung himself. The finality of it broke my heart. Had he taken pills, I would probably have convinced myself it was a cry for help that went too far.. an "accident". But there can be no going back the way he choose.. so I had to face the fact that he wanted out. The hardest part is.. his experiences weren't too different to mine.

At 17.. living alone, miles away, "dismissed" by his parents after horrible teen years. But I made it. He didn't. I had people.. my Aunt, my best friend and her mum. I didn't have to reach out to them, they were just there. But most of all I had sheer determination to prove mother wrong. I was strong. No.. I was stubborn. He wasn't. He only had one person he could reach out to - me and I was "too busy" and naive in my belief that if I could do it, so could he. So I left him to it. At 27.. I was sorting my life out. I was getting married, I was off the pill ready to start a family, I had great friends around me, a beautiful home, a decent job. I didn't think my relationship was perfect and I knew it would take work to keep it going but I believed then that we could and it was all going to be great.

I visited him a few times from my lofty perch and took him to see under 18 advisers, applied for jobs for him, tried to sort out accommodation. I wanted him to live with or near us for a bit but knew hubby2b (E) would never allow it. I met his layabout druggy friends and tried to be encouraging not heavy handed, not wanting him to think I wouldn't be there for him no matter what. But it wasn't enough. And as the wedding drew closer, the stress increased. I had a nightmare with in-laws and friends, financially. I organised the wedding almost in its entirety without help from E. Had to put up with him spending his bonus on media equipment when I was trying to save for our wedding. Pressure from his family to pay for hotel accommodation, even flights from the States(!) and at the last minute we found ourselves thousands short for the wedding because of a client going AWOL (I was self employed at the time) and almost had to call it off, before we were saved by a friend who lent us the money.

Then we fell out. My brother wanted to come to the wedding but had no money to get the train there or buy a suit and I was annoyed. Annoyed that after a years notice he couldn't have saved up for the train fare for his sisters wedding! I wasn't annoyed at him at all. He was 17 for Gods sake. I was annoyed at everyone else taking the p*ss, including E but he was the one that got it in the neck... so I refused. And of course mother wouldn't help him so he couldn't come and I got married without him there. And he called me.. the day after the wedding and I remember I was at the counter with the receptionist and my friend was putting all the accommodation on her credit card.. so I couldn't talk. Just said I'd call him back. Probably irritably. I don't know what he wanted, I imagine just just say congrats. Or maybe to reach out one last time.. and what was going on in my life at that moment was more important.

That was the last time we spoke. The next day E and I went on our honeymoon. We came back a week later and on the Monday - my first day back at work, I had my business partner around. He used to stay over some times and we'd discuss clients, etc. We were more friends than anything and he got on well with E. I usually went to bed and left them to watch some gory movie but this time I stayed up. Still too wired from the wedding.. I remember as clear as day, it was 1.20am and I sat on our big lovely sofa and I thought.. "I think I'm the happiest I've ever been and I deserve it". At pretty much the same time, my brother was suffocating.

Despite looking at my own pain growing up and swearing that I would never let a child of my own feel so alone and unwanted, I didn't recognise it when it was my own brother. The fact is, he had a mother and it wasn't down to me to play that role but I knew she wasn't doing it and I should have been there for him more than I was.

I could have been him. There are thousands of children in care, foster homes right now that could one day be him that have had far worse starts in life than we did. And all it might take is someone like me, giving them a home. A family. A chance in life.

And that's why I want to adopt.


  1. Hello, I followed the link here from FF, and Wow, this is very moving stuff. Well done you for moving through such sad times and deciding what you want.
    And on a more prosaic note - I've been finding that LA's are asking me what my parents think of my plans to adopt, which I find kind of annoying as I don't class them as a major part of my support network, and I wasn't planning on telling them until I'm into the home study. But I'm starting to wonder if I'll need to tell them sooner just in order to respond positively the next time a social worker asks me how they feel about it. I could just lie I suppose but that doesn't feel good.
    Cornflower x
    PS -love the line about dressing like a Tory MP!!

    1. Hey Cornflower, thank you so much!
      This whole thing is a bit of step for me as my friends will tell you, I'm a bit "independent" lol. I tend not to open up till it's all over and I'm sorted and this is helping me not be afraid to let my friends be friends!

      I told my brother and sister on Sunday and their response was "oh cool" and then "are we going to get lumbered with babysitting duty" lol. My Aunt is in her 60s and my step-dad, well.. he has his own life going on. I'm not counting either of them as part of my major network (though I know they would both help me if I was really stuck!) - luckily I have wonderful friends and hopefully the SW will see that. There must be people that adopt all the time without much family support.

      I would tell them hon and you never know, you might find they are more positive and helpful than you thought and if not, well you haven't lost anything and at least you know. Then you can be honest with the SW and they'll respect you for still going for it.