So what happens next?
I can't say I fully know. I do know.. R is not someone I want to let slip by. I know enough to know that I'm prepared to hold off on my dreams of being a mum to see if I can achieve my ultimate dream of being one half of "parents".
I have decided I am not going to withdraw from the VA and going elsewhere. I haven't formally responded to them yet but I have decided to try the counselling. NOT because I or anyone else I know thinks I couldn't cope with the challenges an adopted child could bring. Not because I think that the VAs reasons behind thinking I need it are correct. Because I don't. BUT I DO want to adopt one day and as much as I may be slightly less forthcoming with some of the things I've said, it could still come up again if I don't do the counselling. Plus I'd like it on record that I took their advice.
But if there IS any chance that I could find things more of a challenge because of my own experiences I want to make sure that's stamped well before then. It's not fair on the child for me to be stubborn about this. Don't get me wrong though.. I am angry, REALLY angry about this. And the way I've been treated by the VA. They HAVE made snap judgement based on some written information that was never discussed with me in detail. I most definitely was not matched correctly, I suspect their main basis for matching me with the SW is that she's a single mum herself.
What makes me most angry is being made to feel like I'm doing something wrong by daring to put myself forward. And I know I'm not the only one that has felt that way. I overheard a woman talking to her young child and saying that if he didn't behave "you'll get punched". She had another child in a pushchair. Whether she meant it or not... I know what it means to hear things like that as a child and it feels like to fear it. I know for a fact, that my own experiences would never ever allow me to make a child feel less than 1000% safe and loved. I know that in my bones. I know that the people on the Prep Group with me wouldn't. I don't know everyone's story but a lot of them, were there because they couldn't have children of their own. I was there by choice. We were all the kind of people that would think about giving our lives to a child that was not our own. And yet somehow, you feel like you're under a criminal investigation the whole time. I could so very very easily have ended up like that woman. (And no, I don't know her and yes I am being judgmental but YES before anyone says it, I sympathise with the lack of support, and so on that can lead young girls to not being great parents and I'm sure she does the best she can, etc. etc...) I could have been that and much worse. Or I could have given up on fighting the challenges life pushes our way and simply checked out altogether like my brother. I didn't do those things... I fought hard to change the status quo and not end up like my mother. I KNOW that when it comes to my children, "the best I can" will be the starting point not the destination. They talk about this philosophy of not expecting "perfect" parenting, just "good enough". And yet in order to be approved in the first place, they look for such an idealistic version of what they think parents should be. It's wrong. The fact that there were 60,000 children in care and foster homes in 2010 and only 4000 of them were adopted... I'm not at all surprised. It's not right and it's not fair - on the child that gets left behind and the people trying to do something for this world.
So... I AM going to adopt one day. And if it means more hurdles, well more hurdles it is. If that means counselling I'll do it and actually, if nothing else I will either actually benefit from it, or it will simply remove the doubt so I can move forwards with my head up.
And... for what could be with R, if it helps me to stop being such a big fat chicken, it can only be a good thing.
I don’t know how he is going to feel about the counselling. I don't AT ALL and suspect he could think he's wandering in to familiar territory and would rather leave well alone. He doesn’t know what I've decided yet, or why or the outcome of the meeting, etc. I want him to know but I won't pretend to not being petrified he'll make the same judgement they did. He doesn't know me. What life has sent my way. What he will hear is that "professionals" have told me I have issues that need resolving before I can be taken further and I hope... he will stick around long enough to work out the subtext. As my lovely L pointed out to me earlier…wouldn't I rather he knew what all my luggage looked like now and not later?
So. My blog takes a wee turn… I’ll still be posting. This may turn into the book I keep starting :-) And the journey certainly isn’t over. It’s just gotten a little bigger, a little more bendy and definitely longer but what will be will be.
Good luck to everyone on their own journeys... don't give up.
x
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